People tend to scroll past posts without any pictures to look at. And honestly, I don't blame them. They look daunting, paragraphs and paragraphs ahead of you. I don't expect you to spend the time reading this anyway, but if you do then you'll get a pretty darn good look into this noggin of mine. Here goes.
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Recently, since the show has ended, I've become... unhappy with myself. I suddenly saw this person that I had become due to stress and lack of sleep. I didn't like the person at all, this impatient, crabby, and drab human being that just goes through the motions. And I became overwhelmed with how much I needed to improve and what needed to be fixed, so I didn't fix anything at all. I was scared. Without Sabrina Fair, I lacked an excuse for my behavior, and really, Sabrina Fair shouldn't have been an excuse to begin with. I knew that staying strong in my relationship with God would be very hard this year, just as it was hard to be strong in all of my relationships during the run of the show. The show becomes your only relationship, it seems... this demanding, bratty and intolerable boyfriend. I hated it. I wanted the relationship with my real boyfriend, who's patient, loving, and accepting of me. Now I have him, and he knows what happened to me and how sorry I am for that. Thank goodness he's so forgiving and patient with me, I simply don't deserve him.
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Taylor left for boot camp. He's been gone for a week now. Before he left, I had kind of ignored the fact that he was leaving because I knew it would make me upset and I couldn't risk more upset during the performance nights (he conveniently left in the middle of performance week) of Sabrina Fair. The day he left, I hadn't cried all day. But I did cry when he hugged me and walked to the car. On the way home, I had gathered myself and I told myself that I was done being sad because this was what Taylor wanted. I pulled up to my house, and I saw Taylor's car parked at the curb. It was then that I lost it. All the built up sadness, the stress, the exhaustion, it was all let go because I knew that I wouldn't have Taylor to fight with about where to park my car in our cul-de-sac. Never did I once think I should appreciate that, but I took it for granted, just like we do with all of the other silly things in our lives. And so we carry on, and my mom listens to his voicemail multiple times everyday, and watches gobs of documentaries on the marines. I started his letter, and my goal for all of my letters is for them to be without sadness. I want him to feel updated and included with the happenings of our family. I want him to laugh. I want him to know the scores on the OU games. And I want him to have pictures. Doesn't he have enough sadness and loneliness?
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Ending with the one thing that I am thrilled about: Rachel, Nick and Cassidy being here. I have never been so thankful to have my sister with me again, and even better, Nick and my niece! I've gotten to spend so much time with them and I will never take that for granted again. So I thank God for bringing them here, and just how all of that worked out.
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