What's ahead

I feel like I have so much to document, and I get frustrated when I don't get to document as much as I'd like to. However, I've come to accept that I do have to live my life, and settle for simply the memories of some things. 

I haven't said much about the Holidays, so here we go! To be completely honest, Christmas was bittersweet this year. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and we all enjoyed the time we spent together! It was also Cassidy's first Christmas so that was fun! But every single tradition, every single meal, was empty without Taylor being with us. All we could think about was what he was doing, if he was upset, or how much we missed his presence. He said that they mostly gave them the day off, and they had a lot of free time, but he was so homesick. And it makes us sick. He doesn't belong at Boot Camp on Christmas. He belongs on the couch with me opening up our stockings, or in our pictures, or at our table. So this year was harder than most, but I am so thankful for it because it opened up my eyes to how important people are to me.

This year, it is so important for me to keep my relationship with God a priority. Through my prayers, I've discovered that when I get stressed, of course I tend to put my faith on hold for whenever I can "get to it." And I make myself insane trying to keep up with all of my relationships. Mom, dad, Rachel, Cassidy, Hunter, Lynnlee, Maggie. The list goes on and on. And each person becomes frustrated when I leave them out for too long, and I understand that completely. Since I'm so worried about my earthly relationships, my heavenly relationship gets put off to the side, except that's the one relationship that would make everything else fall into place. I don't know if that made sense to you, but it really really does to me. SO. This year is dedicated to having my priorities straight. Period. I need to lean on God when I'm scared, excited, nervous, or worried. And I know I'll be full of all of those things this semester.

I'm so scared for this semester. So scared that it makes me tear up just thinking about it. There are roles to be cast, show choir shows to be competed, and, dare I say it... New York. So, here's to a great start to a wonderful year. I hope it holds amazing things.

A post without a picture: "On Making Decisions"

Hunter and I have really felt the pressure of... life, recently. We're feeling that classic worry-your-brains-out-during-your-Senior-Year feeling, or at least I am, maybe not him. This post may or may not turn into a rant. Read at your own risk. 

I'm so so so tired of the question, "So what are you planning on doing after you graduate?" Or for Hunter, "What is Hunter doing now?" I know that people are just innocently curious, but sometimes I just want to scream back "WE DON'T KNOW YET OKAY?!" And I always feel so shameful when I do say that. Normally, not screaming. Gosh I cannot even express my frustration for this topic. Picking your career/major is a hayooge (in case you don't know what that word was it was a dramatic spelling for "huge") decision. Adults give you a hard time when you're not sure, but they also give you a hard time when you change your mind! I'm sorry but I'm going to change my mind. I already have about 1,000 times since I was 5. This is my life here, and I want to make sure it's right! Maybe I've researched something more in depth and come across a part of the career that I don't think I'd like. Maybe I don't like the salary. The hours. The work environment. There are countless reasons why I change my mind. And let me get this out of the way really quickly...

I don't want to go to a university. And I don't feel sorry about that. It is simply not for me, and there are other people that it isn't right for too. That doesn't mean I don't want to go to college, I just don't want to waste money going to a University that I will hate. I don't want to be paying college loans until the day I die, I do not want to dorm, and I don't want to get a useless degree. I want to stay home, live with my parents, and go to Tulsa Community College for free for 2 years and then decide what to major in from there. So,  shoot me for being practical. I'm not saying that people who do go to Universities are stupid, but I am saying that it would be stupid if I went, because it is not what I want. 

I just wish that people wouldn't... expect so much. I am a kid. I know that you have to grow up once you graduate, but I'm smart enough to stay here and not blow my money at a University. So please, respect the decisions that people make. And don't act surprised when those decisions change, because more than likely, they will. Especially mine. 

Pray for us as Hunter and I search for what we need to do with our lives. I pray that it is something that pleases God and just feels right.

A post without a picture

People tend to scroll past posts without any pictures to look at. And honestly, I don't blame them. They look daunting, paragraphs and paragraphs ahead of you. I don't expect you to spend the time reading this anyway, but if you do then you'll get a pretty darn good look into this noggin of mine. Here goes.

...

Recently, since the show has ended, I've become... unhappy with myself. I suddenly saw this person that I had become due to stress and lack of sleep. I didn't like the person at all, this impatient, crabby, and drab human being that just goes through the motions. And I became overwhelmed with how much I needed to improve and what needed to be fixed, so I didn't fix anything at all. I was scared. Without Sabrina Fair, I lacked an excuse for my behavior, and really, Sabrina Fair shouldn't have been an excuse to begin with. I knew that staying strong in my relationship with God would be very hard this year, just as it was hard to be strong in all of my relationships during the run of the show. The show becomes your only relationship, it seems... this demanding, bratty and intolerable boyfriend. I hated it. I wanted the relationship with my real boyfriend, who's patient, loving, and accepting of me. Now I have him, and he knows what happened to me and how sorry I am for that. Thank goodness he's so forgiving and patient with me, I simply don't deserve him.

...

Taylor left for boot camp. He's been gone for a week now. Before he left, I had kind of ignored the fact that he was leaving because I knew it would make me upset and I couldn't risk more upset during the performance nights (he conveniently left in the middle of performance week) of Sabrina Fair. The day he left, I hadn't cried all day. But I did cry when he hugged me and walked to the car. On the way home, I had gathered myself and I told myself that I was done being sad because this was what Taylor wanted. I pulled up to my house, and I saw Taylor's car parked at the curb. It was then that I lost it. All the built up sadness, the stress, the exhaustion, it was all let go because I knew that I wouldn't have Taylor to fight with about where to park my car in our cul-de-sac. Never did I once think I should appreciate that, but I took it for granted, just like we do with all of the other silly things in our lives. And so we carry on, and my mom listens to his voicemail multiple times everyday, and watches gobs of documentaries on the marines. I started his letter, and my goal for all of my letters is for them to be without sadness. I want him to feel updated and included with the happenings of our family. I want him to laugh. I want him to know the scores on the OU games. And I want him to have pictures. Doesn't he have enough sadness and loneliness?

...

Ending with the one thing that I am thrilled about: Rachel, Nick and Cassidy being here. I have never been so thankful to have my sister with me again, and even better, Nick and my niece! I've gotten to spend so much time with them and I will never take that for granted again. So I thank God for bringing them here, and just how all of that worked out.

...

Bekah the Fan Girl

Lynnlee and I became fangirls on Sunday. We went to see Ben Rector at Cain's Ballroom on Sunday, and I have never swooned and sighed as much as I did on that night. Embarrassing. But really, I love him. I love the music he makes, and I love who he is as a person. I would also like to point out that we were in the very front row. Seriously, within like 7 feet of him. No one was blocking our view. It was absolute perfection. If you haven't ever heard of Ben Rector, please, do yourself a favor and go look up any of his songs. 

Love him.

How I feel about people

Love. We throw the word around every single moment of every day. We love our that new top our best friend has on, we love our morning coffee, we love our parents, we love to sleep at night, we love so many things. That, my friends, isn't bad. I love to love things, and I hope you do too! However, I kind of think it desensitizes what the word really means and how we use it.

People baffle me. Just wow. Take a second and think about all of the different people and personalities and potentials and just thoughts that we humans have! God made us so, well cool. People are important. We like to think that they aren't, that it's about ourselves, and what we do with our life, and how things are going for us and for those that we care about. I like to think that too, more often than not. It's obviously very easy to think that way. Painless. Only God does not tolerate that kind of thinking. Anyone can do that. But it's our responsibility, as his followers who have experienced His love, to show that love to everyone. We even have to show it to people that we cannot stand. People that irk us, hate us, don't talk to us, or just cause problems. I've recently discovered how hard this command is. 

We must love. First of all, we have to love God. That's number one of course! I find God so easy to love. He shows grace and mercy and guidance for us, so yeah I love him for that! Plus he really loves me! The tricky part on that one is to keep that love growing, and to remember to show God how much we love him. The second most important commandment is to love others. Key word: everybody. Just as Christ loved us. Woah man. Those are some big shoes to fill, lemme tell ya. We've got our work cut out for us.

I encourage you to let Christ's love shine through you this week. Deliberately think about it, make it a task. Make people notice you. They don't necessarily have to go "Oh, yep she's a Christian," but just aim to make them notice that you are different from the world. That's our goal. We're only tourists folks, just on vacation! 

Matthew 22:37-40 (MSG)

"Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence. This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: Love others as well as you love yourself. These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them"

The art of demolition

Oh by the way, that top picture is his "if you don't quit taking photos I'm going to lose it" face. This past weekend, Hunter and I went to a demolition derby in Miami, Oklahoma! It was my first one ever! I absolutely loved it. It definitely brought out my Okie. I felt like a hick. And it was awesome. 

For some reason the entire time I was there I kept thinking that this event was a foreshadowing of this year. In a positive way. I am determined to make this year the best ever. 

Also, school has begun and so have the fundraisers! Broken Arrow Fine Arts is singing in a stand alone concert at Carnegie Hall on Easter. I'll be going with Choir and Theatre, so believe me I will be needing funds. Please let me know if you would like to buy anything from our fundraisers! We are currently selling cookie dough and bags. Email me (go to the contact page!) or message me on Facebook for more information! Thank you all!

2 boys and some grassy water

 I've loved watching these adorable boys! They're just reassurance that I want to be a mommy so so badly, it's my dream. And I've wanted boys for as long as I can remember. I look at moms everywhere I go, and there are some who make me wonder if they enjoy being a mom at all. Don't get me wrong, I know that times can be tough, but even in those times I can tell apart the moms who love what they do from those that don't. I desperately envy their status, and I know so many others that do too. Isn't that ironic? Some peoples' lives are ruined by motherhood (or so they think) and others squeal with joy? I've always been fascinated by that. Soon, my sister will be a mommy. And for now, an aunt is as close to a mommy that I'll be for a while. I'm okay with that! But I also cannot wait until that magical moment of mommyhood discovery. :)

Also this post was supposed to be a summery, swimming type post but then it somehow turned into this when I wasn't looking so sorry about that

Promises

 

Hunter and I have been together for a whole year. 365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. Geez Louise.

I know it might not seem like a whole lot of time to most people but to Hunter and I it seems like a big accomplishment. I've absolutely loved spending this year with Hunter. He's my best friend, he's really cute, he makes me laugh, and he makes me feel good about myself. And this anniversary we made a promise. The promise was basically already made between us but now it's all official. (and I got a cute ring so that's good) We promise to always stay together, no matter how hard it may seem. We promise to love and support each other even in our darkest times, and most importantly we promise to always keep God first in our relationship. We've found out that if you keep God as a priority while you're together then amazing things will happen. Really really amazing things. So yay for that promise. I like promises. And I like promises with people that I trust will keep them. (like Hunter) Thank God for Hunter and for the person he's made.

PS I'm really sorry for all the sappy posts but I just have to vent okay that is all

A library visit and some summer rain

Man, Summer is just not ready to come out yet I guess. Nevertheless! Lynnlee and I still tried to make the best out of a gloomy day. Library visits are almost traditional for Lynnlee and me. Every summer we go to the library, but this is the first summer that we've been able to drive ourselves, and that alone is a big deal in our opinion! Whoever invented libraries is simply a genius, and I feel like the greatness of libraries isn't quite recognized enough in our technology engulfed society.

Books are cool. I realize that reading isn't for everyone, but I absolutely love reading. It's like a movie that you have the freedom of creating in your head. The book is basically a guide line, and you get to make the story into whatever you wish. THAT'S COOL right?! Sometimes, I get upset when they make books into movies only because it restricts you to seeing the story as it's played out in the film. Regardless, I love the world books take me to. I love the characters I fall in love with. I love the settings that make me feel like I'm really there. Books really are a pretty cool thing my friends.

Hello May, Goodbye AP tests

 Hi May! You've been a bit bipolar this year. Friday it was 40 degrees but last Monday was 87 degrees. Get yourself together. However, I am here to welcome you and remind you to always be yourself. (In case you forget, you're the month that has lovely 75 degree temps all the time) I'm always here to remind you if you need it.

Aside from silly May, I would like to announce that I have completed my Advanced Placement test for Environmental Science. (*applause) Now the only one I have left is my Statistics test, which is this Friday. Pray for me on that day. Also, don't be surprised if I'm never heard of again after that day. The test may or may not be dangerous toward its victims. Nevertheless, this is the face that I am making toward the Environmental Science test! You did NOT phase me! So there.

Things to do when life is a bully

 Sometimes, life is mean. And sometimes, you just can't seem to feel genuinely happy. Here are some things I've found that cheer me up when I'm sad or lonely or depressed. Please, enjoy and use them. 

1. Have a really hot, long shower. Cry if you need to. Sit on the ground. Feel sorry for yourself. Let the steam soak into your skin. Let the hot water wash your face clean. But the moment you turn off that water, you are done feeling sorry for yourself. Make a decision to move on from that sadness. It's hard, I know.
2. Clean. I know, cleaning is boring and annoying, but how about that feeling you get when you are finished? The smell of the vacuum. That feeling of accomplishment? Who knows, you might even find money along the way. Totally worth it. It’s like starting with a clean slate.
3. Go for a run or a walk. This get’s your endorphins and dopamine going crazy. You will get more energy and more happiness just because the chemicals in your body are running around!
4. Stop and take it all in. Walking in the night? Stop and look at the stars. Breathe in the cold air. Feel alive. 
5. Stop whining. If you start saying, “I will be happy, I will accomplish my ambitions, I will find love, I do look amazing, I am a great friend”, then not only will you start to believe them but you will be amazed at what amazing things that start to happen.
6. Drink tea. This always works. Not a tea fan? Try coffee of hot chocolate, hot drinks are just always warm and inviting.
7. Make a conscious decision to stop holding certain grudges. We all have people we have held grudges on in the past. Let them go. If you feel like you owe this person an apology, apoligize. Remember, forgiving others is for you, not for the person you're forgiving.
8. Cook some really nice, warm food. Food always works, I'm telling ya. Make it hearty though, nasty fast food type food can make you feel worse sometimes, so make something at home.

I love babies

 I've recently realized just how much I love baby everythings. I love baby humans, baby goats, (i mean how can you not just look at him) baby birds, baby cows, baby dogs, baby cats, baby elephants, baby horses. I can not get enough of babies! Maybe it's the fact that I think they're just really amazing. I know this may sound really silly, but I'm always amazed at the things God puts on this Earth. Especially actual babies. With my sister being pregnant, I've gotten a close look at the development of little Cassidy (it's a girl!) and all the cool things that happen while she grows! And let me tell ya, I can't wait to meet her. :) So please, enjoy this picture of me and baby Buck. He's smiling, like me.

As of Late

I have been so busy actually living life that I forget to share my life. Happens often.

It's been busy 'round these parts, and it's only going to get busier in the upcoming weeks. It's Spring Break right now, so yay! I got to go to Texas and be with Hunter and his family of whom I love. They're so welcoming and lovely and I just love going down there. We went to a flea market on Saturday and there were lots of cute animals! We also bowled. Hunter beat me.

Dare I talk about choir and the musical. I'm so nervous. Everything is coming up so quickly! We move to the PAC for The Sound of Music on MONDAY and that's frightful. Also, Show Choir goes to Branson April 5th. GAG.

Regardless, I'm really excited for the rest of the school year! It'll be tiring and busy, but oh so worth it. As much as I complain about my hectic schedule, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have a crazy life. It all pays off and I love what I do.

Also, the bottom left picture of a really adorable child is Hunter, and yes, it is completely irrelevant to the rest of the photos. But it had to be included. 

Motivation from good ol' Shel

 So by golly people, embrace who you are. I beg of you. I seem to put that idea on here a lot, and that's because I feel like it's a big deal. From the wise words of Mike Baskett, "The enemy of contentment is comparison." That was like, a breakthrough for me when he said that. If you want to be happy with who you are and what you have, then stop comparing yourself to others who may be "better" or "have more". 

Just love life and love God and love people.

Feelings

 Being in touch with how you feel is really important. Well, to me anyway. I have to understand exactly what emotion I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it, otherwise things can become messy because you just don't understand. People often mistake a lot of emotions that they're feeling for anger. Everything has become "I'm mad at so and so" or "Are you mad at me?" or "I made so and so mad" when in reality, emotions are so complex. To me, mad is the easy way out. You could feel hurt, (which in my opinion is how people usually feel when they mistakenly say they're mad) or rejected, or not good enough, or left out, or offended, or confused. 

In order to rationally understand what I'm feeling and why, I write. I write and write and write and my hand never seems to cramp. I've learned that when my feelings are hurt, I tend to act irrationally and say things that I really don't mean. It's important for me to express. It helps me figure out exactly who I am and what I believe. Because I've recently discovered how easy it is to lose yourself in other people's thoughts, and I don't want to be that kind of person anymore. God made me. He made me just how he wanted me, and I must respect his creation and truly be myself. In the words of the lovely Judy Garland,

"Always be a first rate version of yourself, rather than a second rate version of someone else."

Lazy is what we were

Rain. I like it.

I went home from school sick today. My throat is just killing me. So BOO for that. But on the plus side, I got to be super lazy with my doggies and listen to the storm go on outside the windows. I just love doing that. Being in my jammies all snuggly with a sleepy puppy curled up beside me. Yes please! This picture is a bit blurry, but it will be suffice.

So today is good and bad! But at least there is some good.

Recently

 

 Those words are just so pretty, in both languages.

February hasn't been the best month. I have not enjoyed it whatsoever. Choir has been... not fun. Too long of rehearsals. BUT I am not letting it get me down. It's almost over, and spring is almost here. I love spring, it makes everything feel fresh and new. I need that. So here's to a good next couple of weeks, I want them to be better than ever. I must find happiness in the little things because they are what really matter.

Bad Ideas

 Lucy is an interesting dog. I'd give anything just to know what she was thinking at certain moments. Like this one. I mean, logically, if it's warm outside, and the grass is all dead-like, then you roll around on the grass to get as much grass on your fur as you can before you come inside, right? Then that way all of the grass will get all over the floor in the house! Yes, that is completely plausible. It is moments like these that justify Hunter's nickname for her, "Lucifer". Pretty clever I thought. But also mean.

Things like these are just bad ideas. I have a lot of them. Like when I wear a dress to school. Almost 75% of the time I wear a dress to school (in the winter, not the spring. spring dresses make life better always) I immediately regret that decision and wish I was taking a nap at home in sweat pants. Well, I wish that regardless of my daily attire, but it is more enhanced when I wear a dress in the winter. 

Or like racing Hunter to his truck. THAT my friends, is an awful idea for many reasons. Firstly, I do not do any physical activities usually ever. (except singing and talking and dancing which all 3 can make you extremely out of breath) Secondly, Hunter is basically daddy long legs or whatever. Thirdly, Hunter plays rugby. So all of these reasons just scream "BAD IDEA" yet I still do it.

Eating tacos and sandwiches and pastries and burgers and soup (but not all at the same time) before show choir rehearsal is also a not so great plan. Movement and food babies do NOT go well together everyone. You've had your warning.

Bad Ideas. They happen often in BekahWorld.

Adjusting

There are some adjustments having to be made at our house. You guys know my brother Taylor, right?

Taylor and my sister, Rachel

And Taylor's very best friend and basically my other brother, Connor?

Well, both of them are certified EMT's! They have hopes of getting on the fire department here in Broken Arrow, so in order to increase those chances, they're getting their paramedic certifications in the next year. Currently they live in an apartment together, but now they're moving back in with us! With them doing this, they'll be able to continue working and saving money to pay for school instead of having to pay rent and what not. So what does this mean for me?

My upstairs domain is no longer just mine. I must share it. Which, frankly, will probably be a little bit difficult for me to get used to again. I know I will adjust, there used to be 3 of us living up there. I've just gotten used to it only being me, and that was nice. There was no one else to clean up after, no one else to worry about. So anyway, pray for my well being. And patience. And kindness. And self control. And all of the fruits of the spirit. Yeah that about covers it.

A Quick Explanation.

You may or may not have noticed the fact that my older posts' pictures are not showing up. They have a circle with a line in the middle... and it's just really upsetting. Here's what happened. I used to upload my photos through google plus or something like that. It informed me that all of the space was used up, so I went and did what any human being would. I deleted the photos from the album to get more space. That was a terrible plan, since it was linked to my blog and deleted all of the photos from Life in Letters as well. Every time I think about it it makes me cringe. Not a happy camper. Maybe if I just have no time on my hands I can go back and reload all of the pictures to the appropriate posts, but I don't really see that happening unless it's over an extended period of time. So I'm sorry! All of my archives are just ruined and now you don't know my history and it's just really really depressing. Forgive me. Cause this is how I feel.